A hell of a lot has happened in a short space of time. It’s hard to believe it’s been 14 months since my initial diagnosis, and a year since my awake craniotomy in February, 2023. So I believe I’m overdue to wish myself a Happy Crainiversary! 

Right about now, a year ago, I had been discharged from the hospital and just beginning my journey to full fitness and health. Initially, I was feeling very fatigued and unable to speak, aside from simple words.

Following the surgery, I had almost complete aphasia (expressive) after a couple of nasty post-surgical seizures and lacked dexterity in the movement of my right hand, which thankfully improved at the 3-week mark.

It’s been a long, difficult road since that time but I’m happy to report that I’m feeling completely back to my usual self following my surgery and subsequent recovery. Some might say in even better spirits than before!

Albeit, I’m now classified as epileptic as a side effect of my surgery, and in recent months I have been getting seizures, which were mentioned in my one of my previous blogs here. Nevertheless, I see this as a small price to pay for having the vast majority of a tumour removed from one’s brain.

Over time, through some lifestyle changes and a bit of trial and error from my neurological team at Southmead Hospital, we were able to tweak things to the point where the seizures have become more and more infrequent. When they do occur, they do so with much less severity, and typically last no longer than two minutes. I also noticed a pattern that they often present only in the later evening, right before I’m due to take my next dose of medication. 

All that being said, I feel positive that with a bit of further tweaking, I will be totally seizure-free. It’s a tricky process as there’s always a lag time for the new dosage of drugs to take effect, and sometimes you won’t always know if a certain drug is effective until 6 weeks after starting it.

Luckily for me, it’s not too much of a pain not being able to drive since I didn’t own a car in Bristol to begin with, partly because of the practicality that’s involved in having a car in a city such as Bristol and not being required to drive to my place of work.

Admittedly getting further afield like I used to by renting a car and spending a week or two in the natural wonders of the UK like Scotland, the Lake District, or Anglesey may be more of a challenge than it once was. I will try to stick to city breaks for the time being, or go with a generous friend who I’ll bribe with food to act as my chauffeur. As soon as I’m seizure free then the clock starts on my re-application process for my driving licence. The earliest I can apply is a year after my last seizure so it’s quite important in the long run that I attain seizure free status.

Luckily my speech has returned to normal, unless I allow myself to get exceptionally tired. In this case, it typically slurs and slows down, almost like being drunk. Which I’ve found makes me more likely to blend in depending on the company.

Jesting aside, by that stage, I’ve usually had enough of socialising anyway, and I’m quite fond of an ‘Irish Goodbye’ these days to avoid the possibility that a seizure might follow.

I’m just not about that life anymore, and finally consider myself to be ‘old and boring,’ which I personally find highly enjoyable.

I think this could be a side effect of not giving as many fu*ks as I used to. I love nothing more than to get an early night and do an activity like journaling, reading, or listening to a podcast/audiobook to end my day.

However, I’m not perfect and occasionally binge on Netflix if there’s something good on. I’m currently watching Avatar the Last Airbender, both the original series and the new live-action adaptation, which is so wholesome. I’d recommend starting with the original first though.

Interestingly, the things that I once enjoyed the most have become some of the most draining things I can experience. Like being in big group scenarios or busy, hectic environments. And if I’m not careful, they can be a significant factor in bringing on a seizure.

It’s all about managing the risk factors, so chances are if I’m doing something demanding during the day, I’ll take it easy that evening. I’ve learnt that if a seizure occurs, there’s a possibility that it might set me back with my language significantly for a while, so it’s best not to risk it.  

I mostly prefer smaller group dynamics like board game nights and early evening dinners these days, and have much more of an appreciation for embracing a more introverted version of Connor.

I can still enjoy being the extroverted Connor everyone knows and recognises, but for short bursts only. I’m aware that it sounds like I’m finally succumbing to being in my 30’s, or maybe the brain tumour has altered my personality somewhat. In reality, it has probably just shifted my priorities. 

Sometimes I like to think of myself as a surgically induced introvert, and it’s helped me become more reflective, stepping back from being at the center of things so to speak. You tend to notice more, I find.

Being unable to communicate for a period after my surgery and lacking full confidence in my speech for a long time after this, made me feel vulnerable, fearing that my words might fail me at any time. Sometimes they would succeed, but other times they wouldn’t, resulting in embarrassing yet funny situations. It made me consider all the individuals who may have hidden disabilities, navigating the world unseen.

Although this did teach me me the value silence can hold. There is something so powerful in simply holding space for someone you care for and letting them speak.

I can thank my surgeons that I wasn’t left with any cognitive impairments to speak of. I feel my working and long-term memory have been largely unaffected. My motor and task-processing skills have returned to normality and appear to be at the same level as before.

Sadly, my spelling seems to be still as atrocious as it’s always been, but you can’t win them all. 🤣 Thank god for spell checkers (I still manage to spot a few that slip through the net in this blog. 😀) 

As you may have read in my last blog, my strength & willpower has really benefited from having a year off work in ‘rest & recovery’ mode.

In this time I have become stronger and fitter than ever before, and I’m building upon the previous successes I’ve mentioned. It’s been a mix of hardship and satisfaction. At the gym, I push my muscles to their limits without causing injury until they fail, again and again. And if I’m really lucky, there is an evil thing known as ‘drop-set’ where I reduce the weight. But by that stage, my muscles are so burned out that it feels like I haven’t lightened up the weight at all. The aim is to push them to their very limits of what is possible.

Next I endure the discomfort of recovery, experiencing DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness), only to return for more. Persistence is key—I keep coming back, refusing to give up. With time and momentum, it becomes easier, although to the non-gym goer, it may seem like madness. Cameron, my PT, deserves a shoutout here, keeping me on the straight and narrow. Without the correct form, I’d probably have injured myself long ago. 

The willpower to keep pushing and getting after it, day after day has given me great admiration and respect for elite athletes in their chosen sports. You can really tell a person’s tolerance for discomfort by what they do with and how they treat their body. Patience is everything along with a healthy dose of self-compassion when you mess up or have an off day.

This period of not working has afforded me the valuable free time to focus on personal growth and fitness and I tried to embrace all the challenges head-on as if tomorrow would never come.

Embracing a healthier lifestyle has brought about fresh perspectives and shifted my priorities, a trajectory that will hopefully continue and gain more and more traction, imbedding itself in my lifestyle with each passing day.

Obviously this message will resonate with some more than others. Some will even have very good excuses about why they can’t do that little bit more to become more physically active, like kids, work, or other commitments that basically revolve around having ‘no time’. If there is a legitimate health reason for your inactivity then fair enough, rest up until you can do more and just do what you can do and stay positive.

I think for the vast majority of the rest of us, if we are really honest with ourselves there is always more time if you invest it intentionally. After all it is an investment in your own health which will always pay you forwards in the long run.

This advice will likely will piss off a lot of people that read it… I don’t really care. This is a call-out to change. Or not.

You decide.

Those who ARE up for it. My message is simple. It is possible to turn around your lives even after the worst of times. It is never too late.

Whoever is truly ready and sick to death of their current lifestyle, I’d encourage you to commit to do more than you did yesterday, to change your patterns if only slightly at first. To go for that walk (even if it is bad weather or dark or outside). To get back in the gym. To go for that swim. To try a new random hobby that gets you moving.

Ultimately to challenge your yourself, fortifying your mental resolve bit by bit and making yourself feel ‘uncomfortable’ if only for a minute or two.

They have literally found a structure in the brain that actually grows when you do things that you ‘hate’. Its called the anterior midcingulate cortex (quite the mouthful) and it may be a strong indicator of good health, longevity and aging well. You’ll not hate it for long and soon it’ll become something you’ll look forward too. I actually look back and feel sorry about how late in life I finally understood this.

As a result of reaching these milestones, and thanks to: Excellent surgeons and aftercare along with a healthy dose of tenacity and willpower I was able to overcome my personal challenges, I am sure there will be many more in store for me yet to come.

I stand ready.

I’ve also been able to take the steps to re-apply to the General Optical Council (G.O.C.) to resume my work as an Optometrist. More details to come this month. Exciting times ahead.

Hope you enjoyed it! 

Love and Peace

Connor

That’s it for now, folks. Stick around for the next one coming very soon, entitled – Reflections on Mental Health